What's New Pussy Cat?

Sometimes new ideas, no matter how brilliant or touched by genius they are, can get you into trouble - ask Galileo.

Dr Rant would like to give you an insight into the cutting edge of primary care research conducted by the intellectual powerhouse that is the Dr Rant Foundation. It's first piece of ground breaking research conducted by Dr Mustard and Mr Salmon looked into 'functional' illness, otherwise known as 'malingering'. The results are, I'm sure you'll agree, astonishing. Further more they have the potential to revolutionise the way in which GPs deal with those who persistently claim to be at death's door whilst simultaneously failing to provide any evidence at all that they have anything wrong with them. It also promises to address the paradox that 90% of a GP's time is spent looking after less than 10% of the patients on their list.

Soon to be published in the renowned scientific journal Soft Collar - The International Journal of Faking, Malingering and Self Pity (edited by Francis X Rant), the research proposes a new robust diagnostic algorythm for the concerned clinician: The CAT Scan.

The beauty of the new 'CAT scan' is that it doesn't involve waiting lists, expensive equipment and dangerous ionising radiation, but merely a simple question:

"How many Cats do you have?"

Our research has shown that 74.7% of people suffering from chronic illness in whom no evidence of actual illness was found over the course of investigations of 1 year or more duration had more than two cats. This compares with a background population incidence of feline polyploidy of 4.6%. (p = 0.00000001).

Figure 1: Two cats. Not diagnostic of psychiatric aetiology, but caution advised.

We propose that 'number of cats' be added to the data fields required in the GP contract, and offer the following diagnostic algorythm:

Ix normal? -------> 3 or more cats? <-------> Lunatic!

Figure 2: The exponential relationship between the number of cats owned and the burden on society.


Further more we propose additional research in this area to investigate the disproportionate consumption of healthcare resources by those owning more than 2 cats and to seek to quantify 'pounds spent per cat' (PPC). Our hypothesis is that expenditure will rise proportionately with the number of cats owned showing a positive correlation. We believe that this will stimulate further advances in the field of health economics.

Dr Rant has never shied away from courting controversy on the issues that really matter, but it must be clarified that population based research cannot be applied to individuals with certainty. I would like to make it clear to all the cat-loving fibromyalgia sufferers who will no doubt pass comment below that:

"We are not saying that everyone with more than two cats is a certifiable
malingering loon - just most of them."

Our research findings are underlined and reinforced by anecdotal evidence that has recently come to light about a famous cat owner.